The Top 10 (fictional) Basketball Players in Movies
#10. Sandy Lyle (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) – Along Came Polly
Hands down best quote from any basketball player ever, fictional or real. If you’ve seen the movie, you know that his scenes playing basketball are so funny that they make up for how terrible he is. “Rain dance!” (Oh, and, R.I.P.)
#9. Pound (One of those Monstar guys) – SpaceJam
According to a Harvard study – which compiled the stats from the Looney Tunes-Monstar game (no, I’m not kidding) – Pound shot 16-16 for 37 points and six steals. He also lost, so he’s back here by PSH. #suckstosuck #teamlooneytunes
#8. Jim Carroll (Leonardo DiCaprio) – The Basketball Diaries
Pros: he’s the best basketball player on a very good high school team. Cons: he’s addicted to heroin.
#7. Quincy McCall (Omar Epps) – Love and Basketball
Dude’s a good player, but it’s time for someone to be straight with him: his wife is better. Yeah, he had that knee injury, but boo-hoo – life’s not fair. Did you forgive him for the way he treated Monica midway through the movie? Because I didn’t.
#6. Monica Wright (Sanaa Lathan) – Love and Basketball
Girl went pro in spite of everything. Her egotistical boyfriend. Her bad coaches. Her egotistical boyfriend. His terrible father. Her egotistical boyfriend. The list goes on and on.
#5. Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson) – White Men Can’t Jump
Billy Hoyle is the guy you love to hate. The driver in the car crash you just can’t stop watching. Once a collegiate stud, he’s now a two-bit hustler. One thing hasn’t changed: he still can’t dunk.
#4. Buddy (The Dog) – Air Bud
I get it – enjoying this movie is predicated on the suspension of disbelief. Fine – somehow the dog can play basketball. But isn’t it just plain ridiculous how bad all of Buddy’s teammates are? Unrealistic even. You have a dog making every single shot every time he’s passed the ball, and they’re barely beating teams. Really must put things in perspective for you when your best player doesn’t have opposable thumbs.
#3. Bugs Bunny (Cartoon Rabbit) – Space Jam
Sure, Mr. Bunny was 5-5 from the field and dished out three assists (same Harvard study). But his true value was in his leadership. Specifically, making everyone believe that the liquid in his water bottle made them good players. So, I guess you could say Bugs Bunny is on this list for being a manipulative, deceitful teammate. Yeah.
#2. Lola Bunny (The only girl that’s’ not Granny) – Space Jam
In basketball and in life, you get the sense that Lola is just too good for Bugs – sorta mirrors Monica and Quincy, actually. They’re both smart, but he’s conniving. She’s confident, and he’s, frankly, kind of misogynistic. When it comes to basketball, there’s Lola, and then there’s every other Looney Tunes character. Bunny can dunk.
#1. Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valainis) – Hoosiers
He’s the best shooter this side of Buddy, and he has opposable thumbs to boot. That means he can pass and stuff, and doesn’t have to shoot with his nose. Plus, I’d guess he has his shots blocked a lot less than Buddy. Since I don’t feel like conducting a Harvard study on Jimmy’s shooting, I’m going to believe my friend who says he shoots over 90% in the movie. Drawbacks include the fact that he’s odd, and that he only started playing for the team halfway through the season. Positives include HE MADE THE FINAL SHOT TO WIN THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP AS TIME EXPIRED.