Our Wild & Wacky Predictions for Super Bowl 53
The Super Bowl is set, and it’s time to start making absurd predictions, silly prop bets, and gripe about the fact that one of the teams only got in by the refs
throwing the game blowing a call–and we aren’t even talking about the Patriots this time! So while the world bemoans about the two teams nobody wants to see win (but let’s be real, we’re all Rams fans right now), we are going to fill our time making predictions that may or may not have any basis in reality.
Oh, and in case you are questioning this writer’s prognostication skills, peep this article from August that was spot on for the teams playing, pretty darn close on the halftime talent, and while we missed the mark on who would be singing the National Anthem, we aren’t mad that it will be the inimitable Gladys Knight and her golden pipes. So here are our predictions for this game, drop those bets if you want to cash in.*
Andre 3000 Will Pop Up With Big Boi
This one seems like a safe bet: half the fun of the halftime show is seeing old bands briefly reunited on the big stage. While Andre 3000 was reticent to perform because he didn’t want to shorten the Outkast songs for it, we still think he’ll pop in for a little “Hey Ya.”
The Refs Will Straight Up Pick Sides
It’s no secret that both of these teams have been on the receiving end of very generous refereeing this season, but what happens when they have to pick one? The answer? Some will swallow their whistles whenever the Rams are on the field, while others will do the same for the Pats while getting loose with the yellow laundry otherwise.
The Game Will Be a Blowout
The Patriots are mostly regarded as an offensive team in recent years, what with the eternally smug Tom Brady at the helm. But don’t count out their defense — they had the best run defense in the postseason and the fourth best defense overall in terms of yards allowed per game, and their 20.3 points per game in the regular season was good for seventh best on the year. The rams are a juggernaut on offense to be sure, with top five finishes in almost every offensive category, but Belichick is nothing if not smart. Our prediction: 34-24 Pats
Tom Brady Will Go Play for the Broncos So He Can Retire
The top three quarterbacks of all time are John Elway, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Two of the three waited until they could bring a ring to the Mile High City so they could retire on top of the league–as well as on top of the country–in the highest elevation stadium in this here union. It only seems logical that Brady would do the same. After all, whatever deal he made with the devil to keep him youthful for so long has to expire at some point, and there’s nothing better than legal CBD oil to keep those elderly joints swinging loosely. Of course, he hates Denver and the feeling is mutual (the Broncos are the only team with a winning record against the dude after all), so this may be a stretch.
-We’re sticking with our bet that Doritos and Pepsi will kill the ad game, while Budweiser and Coca Cola will win the older vote with their sappy glurge.
-There will be at least one equipment malfunction that people will blame for the outcome of the game. Even if it’s just a lightbulb going out on the scoreboard
-We will once again be proven the most genius predictors in the history of sports. Bet on it
*If you bet on any of these things and lose, it isn’t our fault. Take responsibility for your own actions, sucka.
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