Ridiculously Premature Super Bowl Predictions
The NFL season is upon us, which can only mean one thing: incessant and premature speculation about teams.
But while everybody else is still focusing on players and drafting their fantasy leagues, we decided to get ahead of the crowd and do some irresponsible predictions about Super Bowl 53.
Who Will Make it to Super Bowl 53?
As ever, the New England Patriots are the top favorite right now. After all, they are still led by one of the best QB/coach combinations of all time, and they are getting way better at getting away with shenanigans without getting caught. It doesn’t help that the rest of the AFC is a little thin–the Steelers have the talent but lack the heart, the Chargers lack the talent but have the heart, and everybody else is middling at best.
The NFC has a little more to offer, however. The Eagles have a decent shot, but nobody really wants to see Philly burn again. The Rams and Vikings are both swimming in talent and are hungry, and you can never count out the Aaron Rodgers-led Pack or the Drew Brees-led Saints. But it’s the Dirty Birds who could slip in, with a slightly easier schedule and full of anger and talent, plus the opportunity to host at home may give them a boost in spirit.
Our pick: Patriots vs. Rams
Who Will Perform at the Super Bowl 53 Halftime Show?
Now is the time for wild and baseless speculation. Ever since the easily offended were given the vapors by Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction a decade and a half ago, the organizers have played it somewhat safe, booking pop artists such as Bruno Mars and Justin Timberlake. The big push among certain quarters is to play up the “Dirty South” angle and get some southern rap onstage, such as Lil Jon, Jeezy or Gucci Mane. More likely that they’ll go with somebody safer, with a clean image, clean lyrics, and little politics attached (though the latter is nearly impossible these days).
Our pick: Nicki Minaj and Kendrick Lamar
Other Oddball Super Bowl 53 Predictions
-The national anthem should be sung by Lady Gaga. Always.
-Doritos and Pepsi will have the best ads again, Budweiser and Coca Cola will be needlessly sappy, and automakers will be long, drawn out and boring.
-Almost every prediction in this article will be proven wrong. But if you bet and win based on it, we want a cut. The losses are all on you though.
(Image courtesy of Freepik.)