Sometimes, you just get lucky. For me, luck today comes in the form of this article, which allows me to mock some of the most gifted passers in the NFL because, well, they’re pretty unimpressive when asked to run. Could they beat me in a sprint? Let’s not talk about that. Instead, let’s rank them in order of ugliest runners. No, I’m not ranking this by their official 40-yard dash times at the combine, although that is a factor. This is more about the eyeball test aka do I think snails could beat them in a race.

[Caveat about Mark Sanchez. He’d be on this list if he had started this year. Luckily for him (and for us), he didn’t.]

#5. Nick Foles

Wanna watch something funny? Check out a Nick Foles highlight video immediately after a Michael Vick video. In this one, the second highlight shows Foles running for a TD, and man does he look slow. Led feet slow. He might’ve thrown 19 TDs before throwing an interception this season, but please don’t ask the man to run. Vick, the former Eagles starter, scampers all over the field, buying time and  running for first downs. How fast is Vick? He beat star running back LeSean McCoy in the 40-yard dash. Foles? Let’s just say I’d put money on Chip Kelly.

#4. Philip Rivers

Ah, he of the famed bolo-tie and trash-talking antics. To be sure, Rivers spins a pretty spiral and throws plenty of touchdowns, but my god is he an ugly runner. Here’s a fun fact: He ran a 5.08 40-yard dash at the combine, and that was before tearing his ACL in 2008. Quick tutorial: Bring pressure up the middle, and the man is sacked. Film session over.

#3. Tom Brady

Brady was going to be number two, but researching the much maligned 5.24 second 40-yard dash runner led to this. Needless to say, I was not expecting a highlight of Brady catching a pass. True, he tops out at about seven-miles an hour in the video, but it’s still something Eli and Peyton could never dream of doing. Touché, Brady. Touché.

#2. Eli Manning

Type “Eli Manning 2013 highlights” into YouTube, and your first hit is a video of Eli’s 2011 TD passes. Yeesh. But hey, this article isn’t about the abysmal season Eli had in 2013, it’s about how slow he is! So let’s focus on that. Now, he supposedly ran the 40-yard dash in 4.92 seconds at the combine, but we all know thats BS. Yes, he leaves his older bro in the dust (SPOILER ALERT!), but that’s not saying much. No question, I’d take his 64 year-old dad in a race. Put simply, Archie could run, and Eli and Peyton can not.

#1. Peyton Manning

Once upon a time, maybe Peyton really did run a 4.8 second 40-yard dash. I’m convinced all the stopwatches were broken, but that’s a conversation for another day. Let’s stick to what’s germane here: No way in hell 37-year-old Peyton Manning runs a 4.8 second 40-yard dash. Swap the four out with a six, and I’ll consider it. In 2013, Manning’s sprint looked more like a slow motion jog down the Baywatch beach. Could I beat him in a sprint? My grandmother could beat him in a sprint. He’s that bad, that slow. Peyton, if you’re reading this, don’t you dare try that bootleg TD run in the Super Bowl. I chose that video because of the guy giggling in the background – a perfectly normal reaction to seeing Peyton’s prancing. Peyton: DON’T DO IT.