Quarterbacks are the most important cog for a functioning offense in the NFL. They need to be able to call the plays and move the chains. But while some are capable of getting the ball down the field both through the air and on the ground, there are others who apparently believe that speed kills. These are the latter.

Philip Rivers

Philip Rivers is known for his go hard style. He has a bit of an attitude at times and plays with intensity, especially when the chips are down. Well, unless he’s trying to run the ball that is. Dude looks like a galloping baby giraffe except that giraffes can eventually get moving. His 40-yard time was a paltry 5.08. And that was before he shredded his ACL and aged up considerably. Good thing he still has that arm.

Peyton Manning

Always in the conversation for one of the best quarterbacks of all time, Peyton Manning was known for his play calling and ability to keep defenses guessing. One thing they were sure to guess right, however, was whether The Sheriff was going to take off with the ball. He wasn’t. Sure, he may have tried once in a while, but if he was able to get back to scrimmage it was considered a success. Still, he managed to get 18 TDs over the goal line, even if most of those were just straight up falling across the line, so he must’ve been doing something right.

Dan Marino

Perennial also-ran Dan Marino was known for his cannon of an arm and his ability to never give up hope despite playing for a hopeless organization. He nearly single-handedly took the Dolphins to 10 playoffs during his 17-year stint, even going so far as to help them lose a Super Bowl. But his running skills were atrocious. He had negative yards for 12 seasons and finished the season in the red 12 separate times. His total career rushing yards? Eighty-seven. We know some quarterbacks who can get that on a single play. Still, anybody who has the sense of humor that Dan does and can laugh at himself is OK in our book.

Ben Roethlisberger

Big Ben is a big boy. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for him to get going. Have you ever seen this guy try to run? It’s like watching a semi truck try to race a Camaro–it ain’t happening. But what Roethlisberger lacks in speed he makes up with toughness and an uncanny ability to win games. He has managed to sneak more than 1,200 yards on the ground, but we’re guessing most of that is with a defender riding him piggy-back style. But as long as he can prove that winning doesn’t have to look pretty, Pittsburgh will keep him around.

Tom Brady

Tom Brady is another quarterback on this list who will almost certainly find himself in the Hall of Fame one day, in spite of apparently wearing concrete cleats on the field every game. His 40-yard dash time is the stuff of legends, a meek 5.28. We know sofas that can run faster. Still though, he has managed to win more Super Bowls than any other, and appear in several others, so maybe it’s just his rings weighing him down.

Nick Foles

Wanna watch something funny? Check out a Nick Foles highlight video immediately after a Michael Vick video. In this one, the second highlight shows Foles running for a TD, and man does he look slow. Led feet slow. He might’ve thrown 19 TDs before throwing an interception this season, but please don’t ask the man to run. Vick, the former Eagles starter, scampers all over the field, buying time and running for first downs. How fast is Vick? He beat star running back LeSean McCoy in the 40-yard dash. Foles? Let’s just say I’d put money on Chip Kelly.

Eli Manning

Type “Eli Manning 2013 highlights” into YouTube, and your first hit is a video of Eli’s 2011 TD passes. Yeesh. But hey, this article isn’t about the abysmal season Eli had in 2013, it’s about how slow he is! So let’s focus on that. Now, he supposedly ran the 40-yard dash in 4.92 seconds at the combine, but we all know thats BS. Yes, he leaves his older bro in the dust (SPOILER ALERT!), but that’s not saying much. No question, I’d take his 64 year-old dad in a race. Put simply, Archie could run, and Eli and Peyton can not.

(Image courtesy of Keith Allison via Flickr.)